I am mousey and small, though not in a charming sense.
Very average, a wallflower of sorts, terrified to speak.
When I think of myself, I think of pimples, tired eyes, and poor posture.
But not always.
Sometimes I like to think of myself as a goddess; kind and beautiful, yet strong and fierce.
All long legs, smooth curves, dagger eyes, and impeccable hair.
A well-loved queen with doting followers anxiously anticipating her every word.
Every once in a while, I catch a glimpse of this goddess in my reflection,
though she is foreign to me, living in the world in the mirror.
Sometimes I wonder if other people see her too.
This makes me really nervous because I’ve never posted anything like this before/this is really out of character for me and I’m kinda putting myself out there, but it’s something I’ve been meaning to post for a long time. I wanna take a second to talk about body image.
I am currently 5’5”, 128 lbs, and I think that I need to lose weight. Like, badly. Not a whole lot, I just want to be 120 with muscle tone, but I consider myself a bit overweight and definitely out of shape.
This picture is me as of a few minutes ago.
I do quite a bit of modelling and gogo dancing, and I know that’s probably why my bar is set so high, but I think my body is disgusting. I think I’m a pile of cellulite and fat held together with bones. To those of you who are rolling your eyes and telling me to get over myself, I know, I get that a lot. I know I look fine here, but I think my pear-shaped profile and cottage cheese legs are unacceptable. I’ve checked out lots of ana/thinspo blogs and heavily considered a diet of lots of tea and one light salad a day, but I know that’s not gonna get me the results I want. The logical answer is to eat well and work out, but I don’t have the money for a personal trainer and I have no idea how to do what’s best for me at home, nor do I have the willpower to stick to a daily routine. I know it’s my fault I’m like this, and it makes me hate myself even more.
One day I tipped over past 130, and I almost cried. I hate my body. I hate it, and it’s absolutely absurd.
The point of this post is to be a cautionary tale: Please don’t be like me. If you are discontent with your body, first evaluate your life and make sure that discontentment isn’t coming from elsewhere. If it is, address that first. Second, eat well, and work out every day. If you don’t work out every day, it’s not worth it. Puking up your food or avoiding eating isn’t gonna do you any good, it’s gonna make you feel like shit and you’re gonna gain weight again the second you eat something. Hunger isn’t the sensation of fat melting away, it’s your body telling you you’re basically killing yourself. Sore muscles after a workout is the sensation of fat’s defeat, eating healthy and being full of energy is what kills fat.
And you know what? Fat’s really not that scary anyway.
It’s okay to have some fat on you. Assuming you don’t have high cholesterol or type 2 diabetes, it’s normal, it’s healthy.
Some people are genetically predisposed to be skinny, some with a little bit of chub. They’re all beautiful, and it’s part of what makes you unique. If you’re not sitting on your butt eating nothing but junk food all day, you have nothing to worry about. And hey, if that’s really what you want to do, I won’t stop you.
The point is, you’re beautiful. And if you feel better 10 lbs lighter, then lose that 10 lbs… But do it because you want to, not because you feel like you’re not good enough as you are. You’re great. You honestly have no idea how beautiful you are. Never forget that, and never let anyone tell you otherwise.